Child Rearing

There are good days and there are bad days. I either must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or the culmination of the events and stress of the last two months have finally caught up with me. I had to push myself to go through my usual morning routine that usually, time permitting, consists of reading the Scriptures of the day along with a few other inspirational passages. The following quote from a Lord Rochester(don't have a clue to who he is and what makes him an expert on children) got my mind off my perceived problems and stirred my interest to read a long article on child rearing:

Before I had children, I had six theories about bringing them up; now I have six children and no theories.

Think about this for a moment and see if you don't think that there's at least an ounce of truth in it. Whether you have children or not, everyone seems to have an opinion on how to raise them. Listen to all the opinions offerred especially after the news of some tragic event involving children.

I, too was in the column of experts who knew how to raise children. What was my experience in this field? I probably had much less than most since I was raised without a father. What I brought to the art of parenting was what I had experienced as a child. Just because I had no father, I vowed to make a concerted effort to be available to my children as much as I could. I wanted to give them what I didn't have. I will never forget the words of Dr. Schrand (head of pediatrics at Mt. Auburn Hospital) and my first born's pediatrician upon finding out that I worked at the Post Office. He said, "you have the perfect job, you will be able to be around and see your child grow unlike many fathers whose jobs take them away for periods of time."

Gee, for the first time in my life someone valued a person working for the Post Office. Those words meant a lot to me back in 1977 and they still do now in 2005. It was almost as if my father were speaking to me. He wasn't given the opportunity to spend with his boy but I would. Now there are times, mostly when I'm feeling down, I wish that they would spread their wings and leave home. The three have on various occasions spent time away from home (one away at college for 4 yrs. and the other two in the military) but they always come home to roost no matter how shabby the roost has gotten at times.

Advising parents on how to bring up children and discipline them is very hard since each one brings with him or her a unique set of strengths and weaknesses, promises and challenges, as does every parent. Perhaps it is best to follow the wisdom of Janusz Korczak (1878-1942), a remarkable Jewish pediatrician. He writes:

You yourself are the child you must learn to know, rear, and above all enlighten. To demand that others should provide you with answers is like asking a strange woman to give birth to your baby. There are insights that can be born only of your own pain, and they are the most precious. Seek in your child the undiscovered part of yourself.

Growing up as an only child, I vowed to myself that when I got married my family would consist of at least two children. I wanted my child to have at least one sibling for companionship. Having three, I learned a lot. There was trememdous sibling rivalry between the first and second child and at an early age they knew exactly how to get attention from me. It turned out that my wife was the strict disciplinarian and I was kind of middle of the road. They saw this and played one against the other. It created some conflict between my wife and I and that was part of our growing up process.

The old saying, “Little children, little problems; big children, big problems,” is easy enough to dismiss, yet like most clichés, it contains a significant truth. A six-year-old may only snitch cookies; at sixteen he may be shoplifting. And while the will of a small child may be guided with relative ease, a rebellious teenager can only be reined in with the most strenuous effort.

The art of discipline is like walking a tightrope, there has to be a balanced approach. The goal should always be to help them gain the confidence that enables them to explore life and yet know their limits. That is the best preparation for adulthood. You disclipine when the child exceeds the limits and you also nurture when they do what is right. Don’t be afraid to discipline a child, but the moment you feel he is sorry, be sure there is immediate and complete forgiveness on your part.

This is something that I could have done a better job at - forgiving. Sometimes it took me a few days before I could get over what was done. There were times I would turn to a boss at work and vent my frustrations because I couldn't understand why my child continued to act out.I figured he had experience since he had three boys older than mine. He would listen and would always give me the same advice which was, "when you go home, give them a hug.". At times I thought he was nuts. But looking back now, I must admit he was right. Most of the times kids act up is because they're trying to get our attention because they are having a hard time explaining what's bothering them. The more you ignore them the more they act up.

There are so many mistakes I made in raising my sons, that I could probably teach a class on what not to do. For instance, I came home after work one day to find the older two fighting. When I tried to get them to stop, they continued some more. I came very close to punching both of them but I restrained myself and punched the wall instead. All I have to do is look at my bent right pinky finger to remind me of that day. That's ok, it's better that my pinky got damaged than one of them.

There was another time when I was in the bathroom shaving and I could hear them going at it. I yelled for them to stop and they didn't listen. It seemed that they always started something at my most vulnerable moment. I continue to yell and shave at the same time. Big mistake. Let me mention that my boys have never seen me without a mustache. I figured I had time to finish shaving before things got completely out of hand. When it didn't, I lost control of what I was doing. The next time I looked up in the mirror I noticed that I had shaved half of my mustache off. What a sight! That did it. I ran out of the bathroom in search of the little devils and when I found them they froze at the sight of my face. I wish I had a camera to capture the looks on those faces. The looks were saying, wow, we really pushed dad over the edge. Once I saw those faces and the reaction that my half shaved mustache had on them, I knew that that was all the discipline they needed that day. Actually, I think they were on a guilt trip for about two weeks (the amount of time it took for my mustache to grow back).

If we truly love our children, we may at times throw up our hands in desperation, but we will never give up on them. There’s no question that being a friend and companion as well as a parent requires double the patience and energy. My wife was always critical of me because she believed that I was too much of a companion to them. I know in the past, growing up I would always hear the threat from mothers;
"wait 'til your father gets home, you're going to get a good beating." The poor guy would come home after a hard days work, enter the door and the first thing he would hear was what his child did wrong. Now he had to turn into a bad guy and take off his belt or whatever other means were used. In many cases the father was always feared.

One father explained this situation in the following manner:

When I think about it, it is much easier to live with children who fear you than it is to live with children who love you, because if your children fear you, when you come home they’re gone. They scatter. They go to their rooms and shut the door, and you make it easier for them by piling their rooms full of computers, and TVs, and stereos, and everything else. But if you have children who love you, you can’t get them out of your hair! They’re hanging on to your legs, they’re pulling on your pants, you come home and they want your attention. You sit down, they’re all over your lap. You feel like a walking jungle gym. You also feel loved.

Obviously, every family has its ups and downs, its trying moments, its embarrassing dramas. There is nothing as emotionally complex as the relationship between a parent and a child. But there is also nothing as beautiful. And that is what we need to hold on to whenever we reach the end of our rope.

Parenting is definetly the hardest and most important job one can undertake. The work is hard but the rewards can be everlasting.

Many, including my mom have vented their frustrations with this very old curse:

"Someday you will have children just like you"

I hope the Lord lets me live to see this.