A Might-Have-Been

                                                          

 Recently I came across an article on Inc.com that provided the five top responses to the question, what do people regret as they approach the end of their lives?

The query came up with many of the expected answers such as marital infidelities, career paths not chosen, etc... These were some of the big heart-wrenching mistakes that one should already know to avoid (although given our human frailty we might fall victim to them anyway).  Yet answer after answer revealed that many of the missteps that caused them to look back on with sadness were relatively small and easy to avoid.

While reading the top five answers I began to ask, if they are so easy to avoid why did I make some of these same missteps? And why is it that all of a sudden I hear Frank Sinatra singing;

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

Well, I don’t know about you Frank, but I’ve had more than a few and looking back I can say that doing it my way created some of my regrets. It seems that whenever I put myself ahead of God or whatever higher power one believes in is when I do something which I will later regret.

I feel it a disservice to the reader if I only provide the five items from this list without dispensing with some type of solution or antidote to the act that causes one to have regrets. But is there really such a thing or are we predestined to have life’s experiences (good and bad) as our teachers? Has someone compiled a How to Avoid Regrets book? Since the article provided little in the form of wisdom I went searching and found that some if not all of the antidotes I was looking for weren’t in one book, although the Bible does come close, but in a series of children’s books.

- Trying too hard to please others made the top of the list and it came from hospice nurses who had plenty of opportunities of learning from the dying. The habit of people pleasing is debilitating. People pleasers have a hard time with a simple two letter word – they cannot seem to say NO.

Sophocles, from ancient Greek fame, had it right when he said, “If you were to offer a thirsty man all wisdom, you would not please him more than if you gave him a drink.”

The antidote comes from Dr. Seuss, The Cat in the Hat; “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

- Too much pointless worry was next on the list. This is my personal number one regret. Heck, just the other day I was on the phone with my oldest son planning a trip to go and visit him when he reminded me of how much I worry about the littlest thing.

“I wish I hadn’t spent so much time of my life worrying.” This answer was validated by the Cornell Legacy Project which had 1200 elders reflect on their lives. Years ago I read a book called “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff …. And it’s all small stuff.” I truly wish I could say that I got rid of all my small stuff. There is some small stuff that I still need to learn to let go of.

The antidote from Dr. Seuss; “If things start happening don’t worry, don’t stew. Just go right along and you’ll start happening too.”

The third item was Focusing too much on acquiring stuff. The discovery that happiness does not come from material things was often realized too late in life. Sometimes this stuff causes us too much pointless worry. Did you know that the average American home contains 300,000 items? (LA Times)

That the average size of the American home has tripled in size over the past 50 years. (NPR)

And still, 1 out of every 10 Americans rent offsite storage – the fastest growing segment of the commercial real estate industry over the past four decades (NY Times Magazine)

The antidote is from J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit: “If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”

Fourth was not taking care of your physical health. Poor lifestyle choices often haunt people later in life. Many would now choose to develop habits of regular exercise. One respondent wrote; “If I could offer you one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.” 

Antidote – from Dr. Seuss. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.”

- Not traveling enough is the last on this list. Many agreed that they should have paid more attention to their travel bucket list early in life. Travel is often put off because of children or work etc. In another study I found some collective advice from elders that said, “Travel is so rewarding that it should take precedence over the things younger people spend money on.”

Antidote - From Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You’ll Go; “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.”

Once again the song returns

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way

I look back at my life and I imagine that like everyone else have made some poor choices. They were my choices and can take solace in the fact that as Yogi Berra wittingly said, “When you come to a fork in the road – take it.” The regret would come when one couldn’t decide and turned back.

I’ll end with the last antidote from Arthur Ransome’s We Didn’t Mean to Go to Sea; “Grab a chance and you won’t be sorry for a might-have-been.”